Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.