facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.