Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section