Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
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Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.