He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section