is your mom at the bar?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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