She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
no, he came in my armpit
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.