Come share oat with me in your robe
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!