I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..