My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite