ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?