If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!