i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
4 words: hood of his car
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.