is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
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Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Is it because I queefed?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i was born a porn star she said
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already