today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.