You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.