I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
