You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
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His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed