and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."