She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do you still have your period?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M