i was born a porn star she said
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
