He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.