Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
