you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.