I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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