do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
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apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.