You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
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i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
return my video game
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier