He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
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James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.