So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.