I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me