I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.