you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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