Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
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We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up