i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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