Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
