Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning