im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.