She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
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I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm fucking your sister right now.