just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
