I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
