i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
it glows. i had to have it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.