if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Dating After Heartbreak
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i would punch a child for taco bell
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser