My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
