I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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