Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
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and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Swine flu. Run for my life!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre