I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.