I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.