i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section