Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
