I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?