These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i think i scared a bird with my dick
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.