Texts From Last Night

WittyUsername's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game http://tfl.nu/sbp7
  Replies (4) Good night (927) Bad night (179)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid." http://tfl.nu/wv53
  Replies (4) Good night (1599) Bad night (280)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window. http://tfl.nu/ast5
  Replies (10) Good night (1125) Bad night (149) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression. http://tfl.nu/0vde
  Replies (4) Good night (717) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos" http://tfl.nu/ucb4
  Replies (6) Good night (730) Bad night (161)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him. http://tfl.nu/bezf
  Replies (18) Good night (1581) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous http://tfl.nu/uxgf
  Replies (7) Good night (1034) Bad night (309)
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really. http://tfl.nu/n2d1
  Replies (13) Good night (2497) Bad night (452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for. http://tfl.nu/vkxq
  Replies (4) Good night (633) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version? http://tfl.nu/niwx
  Replies (6) Good night (2733) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend. http://tfl.nu/xojm
  Replies (18) Good night (4741) Bad night (2049) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Who the fuck is this

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake (1-561): Who the fuck is this http://tfl.nu/nqou
  Replies (13) Good night (4537) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/g03h
  Replies (13) Good night (3653) Bad night (261) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn. http://tfl.nu/9nsq
  Replies (11) Good night (1748) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table. http://tfl.nu/81fa
  Replies (12) Good night (2085) Bad night (740) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid. http://tfl.nu/jhks
  Replies (5) Good night (360) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole. http://tfl.nu/xl47
  Replies (11) Good night (458) Bad night (1934) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112211) Bad night (9726) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick. http://tfl.nu/ynec
  Replies (14) Good night (2038) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL http://tfl.nu/gpbu
  Replies (6) Good night (1768) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out" http://tfl.nu/q7ym
  Replies (9) Good night (1066) Bad night (679)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?! http://tfl.nu/jygw
  Replies (18) Good night (1840) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band. http://tfl.nu/ldj0
  Replies (10) Good night (2489) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension http://tfl.nu/j5kg
  Replies (12) Good night (1528) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/k960
  Replies (23) Good night (1483) Bad night (2108) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love? http://tfl.nu/7zb0
  Replies (19) Good night (4080) Bad night (451)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

  (1-765): View more from Indiana

  And an everlasting friendship

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): So that's all you want from me. Easy ass. (1-765): And an everlasting friendship http://tfl.nu/o4sh
  Replies (8) Good night (1640) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that. http://tfl.nu/vntm
  Replies (12) Good night (1554) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned. http://tfl.nu/8xw4
  Replies (23) Good night (1300) Bad night (4148) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch http://tfl.nu/7p4s
  Replies (2) Good night (2280) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears http://tfl.nu/wgjj
  Replies (15) Good night (672) Bad night (1410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with http://tfl.nu/po8c
  Replies (24) Good night (6914) Bad night (1942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some. http://tfl.nu/bkik
  Replies (27) Good night (3230) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (27831) Bad night (1801) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/4ub5
  Replies (16) Good night (2652) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks. http://tfl.nu/r45q
  Replies (20) Good night (3451) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus http://tfl.nu/kvpc
  Replies (2) Good night (1469) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk. http://tfl.nu/so98
  Replies (13) Good night (1566) Bad night (386)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other... http://tfl.nu/529q
  Replies (6) Good night (2164) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here. http://tfl.nu/z5ot
  Replies (6) Good night (934) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday? http://tfl.nu/1qeg
  Replies (4) Good night (359) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down http://tfl.nu/5kb0
  Replies (4) Good night (794) Bad night (1259) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt. http://tfl.nu/gq2z
  Replies (9) Good night (908) Bad night (1132) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (16) Good night (4704) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head. http://tfl.nu/dct5
  Replies (12) Good night (3141) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone http://tfl.nu/z79l
  Replies (11) Good night (1666) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes. http://tfl.nu/2r4g
  Replies (12) Good night (2141) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt