I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.