My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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